A Great Ride... Then A Crap One

Saturday 18th of July I did something I cannot remember ever doing before... I had my first ever solo ride on Winnie! I went up to her field nice and early and she was still laying down asleep. I caught her easily and bought her down to the yard. I tacked her up and took her in the school. She was a little on edge but we did walk and trot with some transitions and things, then I lent down and open the gate on her (for the first time) and together we went for a little walk up past the fields and back. 

It was really nice. I made sure I spoke to other people that were also up early so that people knew I was around and what I was doing. If something went wrong I wanted the security of knowing people knew where I was. 

It's the first time I've ever taken Winn out for a little walk on my own and I now understand why people like going on solo hacks. There's something really lovely about it just being you and your horse. It's an excellent bonding exercise I think. Just the two of you in each other's company. I was really looking forward to doing it again!

... Until today.

Monday 20th July. 

Took me 25 minutes to catch the cow.

Got her down to the yard and she was a total madam. Barging into me, pushing me around with her head and running in circles around me. I felt embarrassed and like other people watching on were judging me. They probably weren't but I was so self-conscious of my misbehaving horse it drove me to tears... and there were a couple. 

Managed to pull myself together enough to get Winn tacked up with J, who promptly jumped on her and took her into the school. Winn had a buck and J pushed her into canter for a while, then bought her back to trot and worked her. She did calm down some but by this point I was just a mess.

I didn't want to get on her. After the last 2 weeks I felt like I had gone back to the beginning and the idea of getting on her was scary again. I was trying to reason with myself, "maybe just sit on her. Just sitting on her would be an achievement, then you can get off". But I was still scared. So scared that while J was riding I actually went and put my hat away. 

J took Winnie back out and to the field and trotted her in there for a little bit until she told me to get on. I remember not giving myself time to think. J reminding me to breath and that Winnie wasn't doing anything wrong as I mounted. It's true Winnie was standing perfectly still, but I was just waiting for her to charge off with me half on. 

I got on and J stayed with me while I went over some poles. I think I walked back and forward over these poles about 40 times, with J stood to one side just to remind me "and again" over, and over. We worked on getting Winn to raise her back legs. 

I was still worried. I was worried to kick in case she shot forward, worried every time someone walked past in case she'd spook. She kept calling to Nancy and every time her ribs expanded my heart was in my throat.

After a while J asked if I wanted to walk to the end of the road and back to which I replied. "I just want to get off if I'm honest". But after some convincing J grabbed my reins and marched us off up the yard. She led us on a short hack around the block and back onto the yard. And, exactly as J said, Winnie was totally fine. Barely blinked at anything. She was well-behaved even when she encountered the ride on lawn mower and all the other machinery. 

We got safely back onto the yard and after a quick hose down, Winn went back up to the field for some food.

****

It's been 3 hours now since I got back in the car afterwards and I'm feeling a bit better. I was so close to tears the whole drive home, not because I was scared but because I felt like I'd gone backwards and that I'd failed. I'd been improving so much, and then this. I felt like I'd let J down, Winnie down, and that I'd let myself down.  

But at this very moment in time, I'm feeling a bit better. I know I'm going to have off days. And things had been improving so much that there was BOUND to be something to knock me backwards. My Dad reminded me that this is a big change for Winnie too. From basically no work, to 4 times a week. She was going to push her limits sometime, but there were some good things I can take from today and that's what I am going to concentrate on.

1. I was scared and I still got on.
2. Despite her giving me the run around for 25 minutes in the field I didn't let her win. She was coming in whether she liked it or not.
3. I went over poles for the first time in a long time.
4. I didn't get off even when I was super worried.
5. I didn't fall off.
6. I survived.

Yay for small victories.

So far I've had 8 rides in the last 12 days. Only 2 of them didn't go to plan and even then 1 of those was just me getting frustrated and having a wobble. 

That's 8 rides where I've accomplished something

7 rides forwards and 1 ride back. 

I can come back from this. Winnie will probably be as good as gold next time.

I'm not giving up yet.

Katy xx