I Had A Wobble

My last post was very upbeat and positive. I also cut it off on Monday. What I didn't tell you was that actually on Wednesday 15th I had another confidence wobble.

It started really well. Just me and my sister at the yard. We wandered up to get Winn and bought her down to get tacked up. She stood there very nicely, except breathing out so I couldn't get the girth up! But when we got into the school she became very on her toes. 

Sue got on her first but Winn just wouldn't settle. She wouldn't travel forward, was very aware of the wind and kept shaking her head around. I was waiting for Winn to do something major but she didn't. Sue worked her for a while, then came over and said I could get on now. 

I immediately tensed up. I was convinced that Winnie was going to tank off with me, I was going to fall, she was going to spin and I was going to come off the side. I always have this thought that if she hasn't worked off her energy before I get on, she's going to use it after I get on and I'm not going to be able to control her. Nevertheless, I tried to channel some of my positivity from the previous week and pushed myself to get on.

The moment I did, it felt like a bad idea. I could feel her taking short, fast steps, her ears were perked and her head was going in every direction. I got so frustrated with her looking everywhere and not wanting to walk forward that I had to stop, sit on her in the middle of the school, and deep breathe whilst ranting at my sister that this was too hard and I couldn't do it. I think I must have snapped at her as well where my anxiety came out as irritability. (Sorry Sue, I shall repay with coffee). I just couldn't get Winn how she'd been the last week and felt like it was something I was doing wrong.

I pushed on and did another five minutes before getting off. 

She did spook. At the bottom end of the school, behind a fence someone shut a van door loudly and Winnie cantered forwards and moved sideways. However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Luckily I'd been chanting "heels down" at myself in an attempt to keep calm so I was already sat quite deep. The moment she went I was able to pull on the reins and she came back to a walk within 3 strides of canter. What I'm most proud of is that I didn't instantly stop and have a breakdown like I very much wanted to. Instead I kicked her on, circled round and walked the same spot again, pushing her over with my inside leg. She didn't spook again and after a few more circles I decided to call it a day.

I was so unhappy with the ride. I felt like I had taken 3 steps forwards and 10 steps back. I'd been so close to getting off throughout the whole thing that I felt like I'd lost.

It wasn't until I was talking to my sister afterwards that I realised that actually, maybe I was being a bit too hard on myself? Yes, the ride hadn't gone as well as some of them from last week, but I'd still ridden? I'd still gotten on her. That was something I wouldn't have even considered 2 weeks ago. She'd spooked and I had ridden through it without instantly jumping off. I got upset and frustrated but I stayed on. Those things are all major achievements for me! 

I need to remember not every ride is going to be great, some are just going to be okay, and some are going to be plain bad. But as long as I'm still getting on, then I am still making progress and that's what's important. No matter how small that progress is. 

Thanks for reading!

Katy xx